Archive for the ‘ Faith ’ Category

Thoughts about Relationships

For the past four months, I’ve been reflecting on and off about the one “Facebook-official” relationship I’ve had. Even though it’s been 14-20 months since it ended, depending on when you’re counting from, I still don’t really feel over it, whatever that means. While she isn’t on my mind daily like she often was in the immediate aftermath, she still pops into my thoughts a maybe two or three times a week for random reasons, and a couple of days ago I dreamt that we were walking and talking like we used to. It was very vivid, and I definitely felt some disappointment when I woke up. When I visited my grandparents this past summer, relationship things came up once and they told me that “you never forget your first love,” but I’m still working on moving on from that relationship.

Despite the scars that remain, time and distance have let me reflect more clearly on the relationship, on both its positives and negatives. One of the most difficult things for me when it ended was how quickly she moved on and started dating again, but even that is probably a reflection of how we were on different pages in the relationship and perhaps in life in general. The point of this post, however, is not to reminisce but to look ahead.

I know I want to have a relationship. I want to get married, have a family, live “happily ever after,” etc. The thing is… that requires finding and starting a relationship with someone, which is somewhat terrifying for my introverted self. It always takes me a long time to really feel comfortable around someone, so I’m not the type to just ask random girls out. I don’t know if I should be actively trying to meet someone right now, or if I just need to wait until someone finds me or for friendships develop. This is my biggest anxiety around relationships right now. There is a corner of my mind that tells me that I am never going to find someone or, if I do, I will get rejected, which is saddening to the point of fear. So while there is obvious value to not having every point of your future planned out, being a bachelor for the rest of my life is close to the top of my list of least favorite imagined realities, somewhere under watching the world slowly burn due to climate change.

As far as I know, the best option for me right now is to pray and to trust that God has a plan. This is definitely one of the cases where I wish His intentions were a little more clear (DO I need to be more social? Should I be looking for a life partner right now?), but I need to continue reminding myself that He knows what I need and want, and He knows what He’s doing. Like Brandon Heath wrote:

“There is hope for me yet
Because God won’t forget
All the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see
He’s not finished with me yet”

God give me patience and faith.

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Relient K – Marigold

NF – I’ll Keep On (feat. Jeremiah Carlson)

This came up on my iPod during my dinner tonight and challenged me to slow down and reflect for a while.

“Trust is something I am not accustomed to
And I know the Bible says that I should always trust in You
But, I don’t ever read that book enough
And when I have a question I don’t take the time to look it up
Or pick it up
It collects dust on my nightstand
I’m just being honest
Please take this outta my hands
I have no control – I am just a person
But thank the Lord that I serve a God that’s perfect
I do not deserve the opportunity You’ve given me
I never knew what freedom was until I learned what prison means
I am not ashamed, I don’t care if they remember me
My life will always have a hole if You are not the centerpiece
Take me out of bondage, take all of my pride
If I don’t have a Savior, I don’t have nothing inside
Take all of my lust, take all of my lies
There’s no better feeling than when I look in the sky, in Your eyes
It’s amazing”

Phil Wickham – Over All

Hillsong Young & Free – This is Living (feat. Lecrae)

Happy New Year!

NF – Paralyzed

I know this feeling.

Tenth Avenue North – Worn

It’s been a tough semester.